drown me

[verfaullen]

ooc; private -- located in cardiff, wales. LGBT.

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“Hey,” his voice was merely a grumbled murmur as he leaned down to sit at the edge of the bed. It was nearing the night of the third day of summer vacation. Surely, one would think he would be freed from the chains and all relations involving school besides the studies of summer homework. But, school followed him home in the form of his roommate. At times, Daniel believed they were friends, in others, he could not understand what ran through Blake’s head. He understood why he would be here. They were friends, after all. He had no issues if he was here just to hang out with him. That, however, wasn’t necessarily the truth.

Blake wasn’t ‘here’ for him.

Wynn, his older brother and his roommate – maybe friend – were going out. It wasn’t something Daniel could completely comprehend. He hadn’t even known they knew each other, but apparently, they had been friends for years. Sure, he wouldn’t have had a single issue if it was anyone else. Hell, he knew he shouldn’t even have one now. It was that reason, Daniel became utterly confused. Why was he so upset about them dating? Why was he so… ‘jealous’ as Cavan put it.

He shifted away from Blake, placing his hand on his own forehead. A sigh escaped through his lips soon after. Things had surely calmed between them, but not within his mind. Yet, it also didn’t help that Blake was in his room on his bed instead of Wynn’s. They were friends, lived together on campus as roommates, but they were no couple. That was for Blake and Wynn. And it brought the simple question to Daniel’s mind; ‘Why are you here?’

He couldn’t ask. Even if he could, Blake wouldn’t hear him. He seemed sound asleep. Daniel couldn’t form the words at the tip of his tongue, perhaps for that very reason. They would be on deaf ears. He would not an answer back. But, had he decided to question him, how would he react? Daniel averted his eyes only for a moment, before he reached forward to ruffle his roommate’s hair. It was a habit that had transferred from his Uncle to Wynn to Daniel. “Hey,” he repeated, his voice no longer grumbled, but soothing as if he were awaking a child.

[LazyCat]

Toward the end of the school year, at Eddingborough School for Boys, Blake had been contemplating on several things. The first, of course, was exams. The second was the blood-sucking, hellish adults he had for parents. The third was the Greyson brothers. Not in an particular order, but it was an approaching problem, growing greater with time. What was he supposed to do about his room mate, Daniel?

Daniel and Blake's relation was a bit skewed since the drama that had taken place that year. Of course, Blake's life wasn't complete without some sort of shit going down, but he never meant to carry along a sweet, quiet boy. Who, had also unknowingly, made Blake fall in love with him. And was now, idiotic enough, to not realize that he was clearly making advances for him. Even when he had once kissed him. But there was one problem, Blake was gay, and Daniel wasn't. And he wasn't about to confess, and scare the boy off... So, came the brilliant plan.

Dating Wynn, Daniel's older brother. What was more perfect to find out the boy's real feelings for him, than to date his brother? It was perfect! A flawless plan, clear, especially since Wynn was easy to convince once he knew the details.

Then summer would come, and Daniel would be free without a thought of Blake. Would he even bother to remember him? Would he move on and find a summer - sweetheart? No, no, it couldn't be. While he'd be imprisoned to his father's disposal, Daniel would be kissing girls? He would not allow it! So, when Wynn so innocently invited him over sometime that summer, Blake celebrated the idea. Packing his bags, and hopping in the back seat along with Daniel, all the way to their home. Of course, he left his parents a message that he'd be spending summer at his friend's place. They were not pleased.

----

None of that mattered right now. Three days in, and Blake had already wormed himself into Daniel's bedroom. He was contently curled up under the blankets, and placed into Daniel's pillow. The whole bed smelled deliciously like Daniel. God, why couldn't the boy just admit he was bisexual already? Why couldn't he see he was jealous of Wynn? Of course, he was sure the question would appear of why Blake wasn't sleeping in his boyfriend's bed, but how could he when he just wanted to be here.

Warm, in the summer time, his feet poked from underneath the blanket, just dressed in his boxers and a light tee shirt he had stole from Wynn, he laid there, dozed off in the bliss of the moment. There was one problem, despite the fact he had his eyes set on the younger brother, the older brother had a habit of twisting his heart in two. God knew, that Blake was the most indecisive creature on earth.... How was he supposed to choose between two fantastic boys? Let alone brothers. This was unfair, curse his twisted heart.

Being a light sleepier, he felt the bed dip slightly, and then a surge of electricity that touched the tip of his toes when a hand ruffled his hair. Instantly, his thoughts went to that puppy faced blond, Wynn, but as he heard that voice, he knew it to be otherwise. So, he was showing affection? He didn't respond for a minute, savoring the attention, but soon a smile had drawn its way across his lips, and he could no longer pretend to be asleep. Eyes flickered open, and he reached to pull Daniel down to him. To lay there and sleep, because, surely, this had to be some sort of dream.

"Hey, dear," he mumbled groggily, "keep doing that, it feels good," he added later in fear Daniel would stop touching him.

[verfaullen]

There wasn’t an immediate response, and due to it, Daniel simply kept his hand tangled between the brown strands of his roommate. There was a comfort that Blake wouldn’t know. It would be a secret touch that any person who felt affection for another would know. If the other person didn’t realize, there were no chances of them feeling hurt to have their hand swatted away. They wouldn’t be rejected in that instant. And it was okay. It was okay to feel what he felt for a minute or two.

Yet, the warm expression Daniel briefly wore turned rapidly into surprise – confusion even, as the once sleeping roommate blinked his eyes open. He’s own blue eyes widened, staring down at Blake as he reached forward and grabbed hold of him, sending his heart beat speeding down a highway. There wasn’t a thought running in his mind. It was an empty page. And he, in return, rebelled against the embrace, catching with his free hand to keep him from falling directly into the guy’s lap.

‘Hey dear,’ His voice was only a mere dazed murmur, but that didn’t stop Daniel from jumping out of his skin at the sound of it. ‘Keep doing that, it feels good.’ He blinked, veering his eyes from Blake’s and to his hand still woven in his roommate’s hair as if he hadn’t expected it to be there. This was supposed to be a moment Blake wouldn’t know about – a treat and moment of truth instead of Daniel continuing to swim in a sea of lies. His lips twitched.

There was some sort of explanation that he had to voice, but he couldn’t come up with the correct words to say. Daniel – being himself – always thought before he acted. It was only the actions formerly made by him, that weren’t thought out. And, therefore, he was left fumbling in an awkward position, draped over his friend, roommate and brother’s boyfriend. ‘Wynn’s.’ A shiver ran up his spine.

It didn’t matter how close they had gotten. How many arguments or bullshit he was put through. Daniel would never mean much more. It was this frustration he felt that made him simply scrunch his face in disgust and reject the embrace that could have been. But, he didn’t move to swat his hands away. He didn’t completely break it like he knew he should.

[LazyCat]

Blake didn't notice the boy's discomfort at first. He had closed his eyes once the boy hit the bedside next to him, and waited for him to continue stroking through his hair, but then it didn't occur. He could clearly feel his stiff hand, and could practically feel his muscles tense against his shoulders. His smile broke into a slight, innocent, of course, pout. "Come on... don't stop," he mumbled irritably and reached to grab the hand that had stopped. He felt the cool skin against his own, warm skin, and moved it a few times, but Daniel didn't seem to respond. What was his problem, anyway?

It was just a joke! It was careless, free, Wynn would have gone along with it. Why did he have to stop being nice now? He sighed and turned to face the boy, peeling open his eyes, to figure out what the hell was his problem. And then he caught sight of those blue eyes, set in a determined stare.

The problem with Daniel, but, also the the beauty of him, was this pure sincerity. Despite the fact that Blake was half joking, he took things far too seriously, while Wynn, bless him, would have laughed and gone along with it. Though that laughter was pleasant on Blake's ears, it could not make his heart feel the way it did now. Frozen, but pumping terribly in his veins, that it made drum beats in his ears. Becoming conscious of the way he held Daniel's hand, and those beautiful, blue eyes.

He swallowed, but couldn't manage to break away from him. Was these feelings he was conveying serious? It made Blake so nervous, but at the same time, calm. He wasn't afraid to move forward, because at the moment there was no lie that laid in those eyes. Only truth, and it was worth the risk. Daniel was worth it, and Blake wasn't about to miss this shot. His eyes didn't move from those blue ones, making sure he was okay with what was going to happen... It was inevitable.

Slowly he leaned closer, until he could see the depths of his pupils, and as there was no change, Blake let his heart think without any regard to his brain. He held his breath, and pressed his lips against Daniel's. Daniel's lips. The ones he had only touched once, briefly, in a fleeting moment. His heart surged, his hand that held Daniel's twitched involuntarily, and eyes half closed, he still watched the boy's expression. A complete high, that could also become a complete low if Daniel didn't care for it.

But the only the thought of rejection was not crossing his mind at that time... Only the hope of that, he will love me.

[verfaullen]

He wasn’t aware of what was going on, only the sudden rush of warmth when Blake took his hand and spoke a couple words with a slight pout on his lips. Daniel continued to stare at him with such gripping frustration – not Blake’s fault but his own – that one could expect someone from a comic book was standing behind him with a freeze ray. He didn’t react to his roommate moving his hand, but rather he wouldn’t or couldn’t was clearly another question to add to his collection of ‘questions that will never be answered’.

Even the thought that this was all a joke didn’t come to him. Daniel was entirely in his own world, where nothing he despised lived. Only those he desired and accepted would be able to make an appearance in his world. But, the fixation that this was ‘reality’ still lingered. He knew that this wasn’t a dream. Blake was the one who had been dreaming just a few moments ago. And now, they were uncomfortably placed together while the one Blake should be with… wasn’t him.

But, he continued to keep from shattering their partial embrace.

Daniel finally fixed his eyes away from the man in front of him once more, staring at the side close to their hands, but that was as far as he could look away. He pled secretly to a God he surely didn’t believe in, that this was indeed some sick dream, or that, somehow he wouldn’t remember it. It was only then that he blinked his eyes back towards Blake, who shifted forward. The sudden extra weight on his shoulders leaned the Welsh boy down closer to his roommate, and that was when their lips met for the second time.

Yet, this time, he didn’t lean away from the grasp, but rather, into it. The arm that had been his support curled closer to him. It only lasted a brief moment until he pulled away from him, but he had kissed him back. That was evident enough. Daniel, however, genuinely wanted to believe that Blake had not kissed him, and that he had not kissed Blake. His face – scrunched in confusion – was only a mere inch or two away.

[LazyCat]

There was something that Blake was always taught when he young was not to push his luck. His parents would allow him to play for a while, but if he asked to go play with the other kids, then he'd be studying for the next few hours. Ask for a snack from the cook, but ask for more, and he was punished for wanting to waste dinner. And he was supposed to apply that same sort of patience here, too? With this absolutely perfect boy, that had just kissed him, and wait?

He closed his eyes and replayed the moment in his mind. Daniel's confused, statue-like response, and then something. He had leaned into it. He had pushed in, and before Blake could respond from pure, shocking, joy he had pulled away with a confused look. Did he even realized what he had just done? His stomach did flip flops between joy, and pain, and fear of what he had just allowed himself to do.

He had kissed Daniel. Daniel had kissed him back. Lips, they were soft, he wished they'd come back. It had to be sincere, even though Daniel wasn't sure of it yet, it was a promise, of what could be. In the future, could there be more kisses like these? Perhaps, but that was the future, and Blake knew that Daniel wasn't prepared to go further yet. He was confused enough, any more would risk rejection. Patience. Have patience, Bradford Charles Knox.

He peeled and eye open, noting in those confused eyes, and smiled softly at their closeness. It was hard not to return to his lips, that were sitting there so temptingly close, it was almost painful. Rather, he waited a few moments, still smiling, and then pulled back completely. "Thanks," he whispered softly, and felt his heart pump fast as he slowly released Daniel's hand. Why did he have to have those eyes? That face?

He sat up, before he could change his mind, and ran a hand through his hair, and then stretched before carefully moving over Daniel to the edge of the bed, "m'going to sleep with Wynn, thanks for the nap, see you in the morning." And with that he started up to leave.

[verfaullen]

And, in response to his so called acceptance of Blake, he was thanked. It only added to his confusion. What exactly was he thanking him for? Blake sat up and automatically, Daniel moved out of his way. He wasn’t thinking any longer. For some reason, he couldn’t seem to be able to control himself. It wasn’t a spur of the moment deal either. How could he suddenly feel such a way about a guy? Especially about a guy who wasn’t available, but also taken by his brother.

Perhaps he was simply mistaking this feeling of friendship as something else. Blake had been the one who advanced towards him – in a way, it was truly Daniel who started this – and who was he to reject a friend? Who was he to think these thoughts? He idly shook his head. There wasn’t a hope of him being able to calm himself in able to speak clearly or even come up with a reason for this situation.

Yet, Blake stood up and announced he was leaving to sleep with Wynn. He was going to leave him sitting there utterly confused after kissing him… to return to his brother? Couldn’t he have at least given an excuse…? Perhaps Blake had mistaken him for Wynn. That would make sense. And they could merely forget the event ever happened.

But no other words were spoken.

Of course, Daniel didn’t wish for him to leave. He wanted him to stay and explain what was going on, but again, who was he to stop him? They were roommates – friends at best – and sometimes a shoulder to lean on. Not anything more. Not ever anything more. “… Blake,” he paused, shifting to face him. “… I’m sorry…?” His apology became a question, surely, he was uncertain if he should feel ‘sorry’ for anything. As sad as it may sound, he had to admit, Daniel was jealous of the relationship Wynn and Blake held.

[LazyCat]

It was unimaginably hard to walk away from that boy, that sat up in the bed, looking both sad and confused... Blake had to retreat without looking back, because where would he find the will to leave? He felt as if his heart and mind might explode, because, all the same, Daniel had kissed him back.

Then, for some odd reason, there was also a sense of guilt. Wynn, what was he going to say to him? They both knew their relationship was a joke, but then, why did a part of him feel like such an ass for kissing his brother? Daniel had been the objective of this fake relationship, and Wynn was well informed on the fact... But was Blake actually acting, sincerely, as Wynn's lover? It was an odd question in itself, but a part of him didn't mind the fact. Wynn was easy to deal with, and somehow, Blake found himself depending on the older boy, more than he did with any other human being.

He was such a blind idiot himself, the fact that he had two brothers in his hands, and had no idea what he wanted. Both were coming closer to his grasp, but still were untouchable. Daniel was straight, normally, and Wynn was afraid of commitment. Both very different, but so perfect. He had a horrible feeling that this summer wasn't going to be fun, anymore. He'd have to choose between two people he felt distinctively for. Wynn, or Daniel? His heart was torn.

However, Daniel seemed to make up his mind for that moment. He heard him, in a soft voice, call his name, and the hand that had held his moments earlier twitched in response. He couldn't form words to respond, but he didn't really have to, because moments later he apologized, questionably. He couldn't breath, or move, since he had no idea what to do. Accept?

"Don't be... I meant to kiss you," he said after a moment's pause, not bothering to turn around and face the boy. If he did, what would happen? He wouldn't be able to leave again. He quickly turned the door knob, ready to make his quick escape. He shuffled out, leaving the door ajar as he forgot to close it, wanting only to hide. To slap himself for being so blunt. But it was the truth, he did want to kiss Daniel, again.

[verfaullen]

He stood, rushing forward and grasping his hands around the doorframe. There was a moment before, when he had chased after Blake, but he knew he couldn’t. Even if the question of what he meant by those words kept running through his mind. He couldn’t do a single thing. And, so he stood in the doorway to watch his roommate take his escape from the scene of the crime. Blake would surely go to Wynn, would he not? Daniel couldn’t lean on his brother and Cavan didn’t know how to keep his mouth shut.

So, he turned and sunk back into his room, shutting the door behind him.

Blake would go to Wynn and in the morning, they would return to being simple roommates. Perhaps they could even forget this happened like a dream passing. Yet, Daniel couldn’t help but wonder what he had meant. Why had Blake wanted to kiss him? In return, he had cheated on Wynn with his own brother. He couldn’t comprehend what he was thinking.

Walking forward, the younger Greyson sibling flopped down on his floor, leaning back against his bed.

    end?